A personal post at 1:40 am

So this new year I told myself that I was going to do a few things, one of them being write more. Ever since I could remember, i have loved to write. Not necessarily those long boring research papers, actually nothing like that at all. I love to write like i talk, word for word, exactly what my brain is telling me to say. That could mean that I ramble on and on, or use the same word ten hundred times( yes ten hundred is a number, google it) or vent, or say nothing,  the words sometimes start to resemble tear drops, or words of anger that I simply just cannot express out loud. I love to write lists, or goals, or things I just am feeling.
            Tonight I am feeling frustration, it is 1:40am and I cannot seem to concentrate on anything. my brain has officially turned to mush. I don't want to be a complainer, don't get me wrong, i love what I do.I wouldn't trade it for anything, I love my clients, the experiences I get to bring to other people, the things I get to experience because of my career. But running a business is hard, running a business at 22 is even harder. Last year it was easier for me, I didn't have a reputation to uphold as much as I do now. last year the craziness that is my ex wouldn't let me do anything, talk to anyone, or have a social life, so I was forced to stay at home, stare at my computer for hours, and clean ( torture i tell ya) But now things have taken a complete 180. I have more going on, i have more options, more distractions, more blessings. I got rid of the poison in my life, I am able to have friends and a life and live and be young. Im head over heels in love with a soldier, who tells me to "keep doing you" everyday, and is my ultimate supporter even stationed all the way in Italy. I have paid off any financial responsibilities. Yes my old civic might look like it is indeed from the early 2000's, has a cassette player, and smells like coffee, but that sucker runs, and as of November it is paid off. I have no lease, no financial promise to anyone. I moved back home to be closer with my family, my other big support system. Let me tell you, everyone of you right now might want to be far away from your family as possible, but nothing has been better for me than living at home. I am never alone, I always have love around me, my mom and sister have turned into my best friends, you don't have to cook, and every morning my dad brushes the snow off my car.
        Anyways, here I am at 22, with nothing holding me back, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what the next step is.  I have all of the freedom in the world but still feel like I cannot spread my wings and soar ( Just totally added that for dramatic flare) For once in my life, I have nothing holding me back, and nothing holding me here ( besides wedding season of course)  Never in my life have I felt like such a free soul, but on the other hand i still feel stuck. This limbo is driving me in every direction, and i just hope it goes in the right one.  Where I hope it takes me is a new adventure, a new city, a new world wonder, a change of scenery. I want to capture so many things, so many raw emotions, so many simple things, so many complicated things. I want to capture another culture in a third world country, I want to swim in the Mediterranean, ride a gondola through venice while staring into the eyes of the man that i love so.  I want to do nothing for days but meditate with my best friend who is equally as free spirited, in an ashram in India, I want to sleep on the beach and fall asleep to the sounds nothing but the oceans song. I want to go see the Angkor Khan Buddhist temples in Cambodia, I want to submerge myself into spirit, and beliefs, and traditions and ways of life that seem so far away from here. I want to see the works of art that I studied in college, I want to witness miracles, I want to witness true compassion. I want to make a difference, I want to be a fly on the wall,  I need to see the world farther than New York, I need to see hurt, I need to see poverty, fear, death. I need to open my eyes to suffering and not be so blindsided. But what I really need to do more than anything is Start.